It’s a whole new world.
(If you’re suddenly seeing Aladdin and Jasmine on a flying carpet, and now that tune is running on an infinite mental loop in your head and has made it impossible for you to remember your debit card PIN, I am very sorry. Also, I apologize to my youngest daughter, who was traumatized by Jafar at a Disney-World-character breakfast—not to mention how disappointing the dry French toast and cold sausage was. Besides that, I have my own issues about a meeting with Iago, aka Gilbert Gottfried, outside the Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard in the 1970s, but that’s another story.)
Anyway, my world was changed forever just last week, when someone who is always right—I know this because he always posts the most awesome miniature Dachshund memes on his Facebook page—told me that “The Algorithm” was in charge. Because, he says, “The Algorithm” knows us better than we know ourselves.
I think my friend thought this was a bad thing. I disagree. This is a good thing.
Before “The Algorithm” came along, I was always sure that “they” were in charge. That was frightening because “they” were “them,” which was not “us.”
“They” were mysterious. Secretive. Hidden away. Running the world from an abandoned drilling rig in the North Sea, or a tropical island surrounded by a shark infested lagoon, or a typical hollowed out midcentury modern volcano lair, or “they” were over there in the corner of my favorite coffee shop typing away evil plans to take away my Dodge Ram on a Dell laptop festooned with a “Save the Narwhals” sticker.
By definition, “they” didn’t have our best interests at heart. “They” were intent on sucking up all the world’s resources and wealth so that “they” could gain unlimited power, and immunity from prosecution for official acts like stealing all the gold from Fort Knox. “They” were all super-multi-billionaires who treated the world like their own personal playground, wore monocles, or black hats, and built rocket ships to travel to their vacation colonies on distant planets because owning a private island on this planet was too cliché.
I worried about “them” because “they” seemed so…so…so evil. I mean, anyone who buys Dell laptops must be evil, right? Well, turns out I need not worry, because indeed, it is true. “The Algorithm” knows all of us better than we know ourselves. The “They” are mere mosquitoes who imagine they are elephants.
An all-powerful, impersonal cyber-intelligence like “The Algorithm” knows I am looking for shoes that slip on without me having to bend over before I know I want them; that I need healthier ramen noodles; that I don’t need a knee replacement, I need a better cane; that crypto currency is where I should put all my retirement funds; that I should retire to the Villages in Florida before the next Category 5 Hurricane; and “The Algorithm” knows that I have no idea what an algorithm actually is.
And that’s good, because I’m used to not understanding math, so I’m OK with “The Algorithm.” And, while I’m busy buying slip-on shoes and a knee sleeve to wear in Florida, I don’t have to worry about “Them” anymore.
It’s a whole new world and it’s under much better electronic surveillance than ever.
This article originally appeared in the January/February 2025 issue of Omaha Magazine. To receive the magazine, click here to subscribe.
