If I constantly worry about being a hypochondriac, is that a symptom of hypochondria?

Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? And if it does, what happens if I eat an apple for lunch and then I need a doctor later that same afternoon?

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.  Really?  I’m always in bed before prime time TV is half over, and I’ve been getting up before the dawn for decades. Yet I have had more than a few major surgeries, unpleasant gastrointestinal tests, painful dental procedures, my knees hurt all the time, and my bank account rarely shows any huge, untraceable deposits. As for wisdom, well, let’s just say, I have depended on the intelligence of the American public way too often over the years, trusted TV weather folks when planning cookouts, and was positive that the Game of Thrones writers would produce a satisfying ending. In other words, wisdom continues to elude me.

Is an ounce of prevention really worth a pound of cure? Is weight the measure we should be using? I mean an ounce of gold is going for more than $1,800, and a pound of ground beef is only $4. And an ounce of a certain herb that helps treat glaucoma can get you a simple citation while a pound (or kilo) might get you a couple years in prison.

“You are what you eat,” people say. That is a particularly disturbing concept.  Basically we all eat dead things. Although occasionally crazy California used car dealers eat squirmy bugs in order to sell you a car. Also, I ate some octopus last week and have yet to sprout additional arms, so I doubt this bon mot.

A week without exercise makes you weak? I’ve tried this one both ways. If I exercise, I feel weak and achy after my workout and I want to take a nap. If I don’t exercise, I feel weak and achy and want to take a nap. I don’t see the difference.

What does it mean to “feel under the weather?” Aren’t we “under” the weather all the time…unless we’re going from New York City to Los Angeles via a redeye?

Am I as fit as a fiddle? I don’t know. How healthy is a 300-year-old Stradivarius compared to a six-month-old violin you bought at Musicland?

If you are on the “road to recovery” can I find you on Google Maps?

Stay healthy, my friends. 

Otis Twelve hosts the radio program Early Morning Classics with Otis Twelve on 90.7 KVNO, weekday mornings from 6-10 a.m. Visit kvno.org for more information.

This article was printed in the January/February 2021 edition of Omaha Magazine. To receive the magazine, click here to subscribe.